Thursday, April 15, 2010

what's on my mind

I feel like rambling tonight and this seems like the place to do it . . . I went to my monthly homeschooling meeting/support group the other night. I feel so blessed to be a part of this group. There are some amazing, Godly women in this group . . . and yet they are just your ordinary, everyday kind of gals too. Two women shared their stories at our meeting and the topic was, "Homeshooling and Crisis." One of the women lost her 3-year-old son 6 years ago . . he died while taking a nap. The second woman who shared has 5 children, ages 3-12. Her husband filed for legal separation 3 years ago . . . she is still praying for his return. They both shared various verses from the Bible and ways that God has brought them through these crisises an how God is still working in them today.

When Paige (my oldest) was 2 years old and Faith was 7 months old, I got pregnant with baby #3 . . . it was a big shock. I remember walking out of the bathroom with my pee stick in hand and the first thing out of my mouth was, "I'm never going to be able to homeschool now!" as I burst into tears. When I miscarried at 11 weeks, I felt immense guilt over that statement. A short 3 months later I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease and on some serious medication not safe for a pregnancy . . . God obviously knew that was going to happen.

Fast forward 3 years. The past 3 years have been a struggle. I often ask God why I have this disease when I have so many things I want to do for Him. I can't do all these things for Him when I am healthy one day and sick the next . . . everything is too unpredictable. We chose to homeschool because we feel it's the best decision for our children and we felt God calling us to do it. Homeschooling is not an easy task for any mom . . . throw in a serious illness that hasn't been "solved" yet and some days I feel like we are trying to do the impossible for our children. Wait a minute . . . I've been talking about ME doing things for God and ME being in control of my children's education. Even though I KNOW God is always in control, am I really acting like He is? What do I really think I can do for God that He can't accomplish on His own? This is what I've been pondering . . .

This has been my first year of homeschooling. I had big plans for this year . . . lots of hands on learning activities, field trips, crafts everyday. Throw in a new baby and dealing with being sick 6 out of these 8 past months . . . things haven't exactly gone as I'd PLANNED in the homeschooling department. I haven't been stressing about it too much because I know it's Kindergarten . . . we've still been covering all the basics and she is learning how to read. It just hasn't been the FUN level that I'd wanted for our first year. Some days I feel really inadequate as a teacher. Then God reminded me, "Hey, what's the problem? This was MY idea that I laid on YOUR heart! You are doing exactly what I asked of you." Oh yeah, that's right, this was God's idea to homeschool from the very beginning. This was certainly not my crazy idea. He is the one that is in control and is going to make sure my kids learn all the stuff they are supposed to . . . I am simply the facilitator. What a relief.

If God can give strength to go on to a mom who has lost her child and peace to a wife who is awaiting her husband's return, then He can certainly give me strength to live day to day with my health issues regardless of the unpredictability that comes with it--and homeschool at the same time! I want to give thanks to God for allowing difficult circumstances in my life and for giving me an opportunitly to rely soley on Him.

Just some things I've been thinking about this week . . . I promise I'll be back with "lighter" stuff soon! Have a good day!

p.s. This little guy is just itching to walk! He can stand on his own, but hasn't taken that solo step yet . . .


Christine said...

thank you for sharing Brenda...know that I think about you all the time & pray that you're at least feeling well!

5Bazocs said...

So beautifully said Brenda... God sure is good isn't He! Love to you